As mother or even just a woman, we always feel the need to be doing everything at once and sometimes what we're doing doesn't quite feel "good enough" so we add some more things in to the mixer to ensure that what we're doing really is good enough, whilst not actually realising how damaging this pressure can be to many aspects of our lives; emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually. I think too, that once you reach the peak of all this pressure, you become "numb"... you lose all sense of feeling as you're in survival mode to ensure everything and everyone around is still moving, whilst you stand still and feel like you're not actually living, but standing still and watching everything go on around you. And eventually... something will occur to "snap" you out of this cycle... until next time that is...
The last few months have been huge in my life but as Dory once said "just keeping swimming, just keep swimming" and that's what I've been doing. I've been surviving; I've been going through the motions of life but looking back now, it's all a blur. It's all a blur as I was standing on the outside of my life, absolutely exhausted in so many aspects, just surviving and watching everyone go on around me and wondering how I got here and then all of a sudden, you're bought back to life with an almighty thud when you realise how precious life can really be.
Very recently, the world lost a beautiful, gentle, man who will be forever missed and not having the chance to say goodbye has bought to the surface many questions that we all face when we lose someone. What is most important in my life? What do I need to ensure I'm making the most of my time here? Can I possibly keep existing like this"? and to be honest the answer is "NO"!... no one can exist like this... it's not natural, it's not healthy and most of all it will destroy you or something you cherish, one way or another. And unfortunately, over the past few weeks, there are quite a few things that I cherish that have nearly been destroyed forever due to this innate pressure I feel I need to place on myself.
I constantly say to those that question me and tell me to slow down... "I don't know any different"... but this really doesn't cut it any more. I'm a grown 30 year old woman, who has made my own path in life, full of wonderful choices, full of some not so good choices (I'm claiming I was young!, but I wouldn't change them!) and of course I now, STILL DO HAVE A CHOICE. We all do, we all are responsible for our own lives, we make our own choices and it is our own responsibility to ensure we're living a life we're happy with. It's no one else's responsibility. If you're reading this and thinking, "no it's not, _____ did this" or "I HAVE to do this"... no you don't! No one is forcing you to do anything... yes, you may prefer not to work, but if you wish to have a roof over your head and food on your table, that's what you have to do. You might not like to work, but IT IS A CHOICE you make so you can live with a roof over your head and eat food prepared in your clean kitchen.
YOU just need to be be clear on what choices you make to ensure you're living a life you're happy with; if you don't like the choices you've made... change them. No one is stopping you... and you deserve to make choices that make you happy... if that means you hurt others in the process, that's unfortunate but YOU need to look after YOU... because at the end of the day, YOU need to leave this world knowing that YOU did what YOU wanted whilst you were here... and YOU made the most of your time here.
So I ask you to think about your life, think about the choices you make that have a huge impact on your life but also think about the ones that have a small impact on your life... reason being is you may find the ones you think are huge aren't so big and the ones that are so tiny you forget they exist, are the ones that deep down at the end of the day will decide whether the life you live is what you really want for the time you have left here?